Fast Food
by BuzzCat
Summary: Darcy and Loki are roommates and she's introducing him to the finer things of America...like Denny's and McDonald's. Brotp, but shippy if you squint.
1. Denny's

"I'm going to take you out for dinner." said Darcy one night as she and Loki sat on the couch, watching Wheel of Fortune. Loki looked over at her,

"Thank you…?"

"That's right. Let's go." she said, standing up. She went to grab the remote but suddenly it wasn't in her hand but in Loki's. Darcy glared at him,

"Yes, you're magical. Let's get food."

"No. We will finish the puzzle." he said, not taking his eyes off the screen. Darcy sighed,

"But it's boring!" she whined.

"It is intellectually stimulating for humans. You require all assistance possible." said Loki with a smirk. Darcy rolled her eyes and sank back onto the couch with a petulant sigh,

"Fine. But we're leaving straight after the final puzzle." she said. Loki merely nodded. Darcy shook her head. This was not what she had planned on when she ticked the 'Random' box in the 'Roommate' category on her SHIELD form.

Despite nearly limitless funding, SHIELD had implemented a Roommate-Or-Pay-Your-Own-Way policy, which meant Darcy had to share a room. Again. She'd have put in for Jane as her roommate, but bringing Jane meant bringing Thor and she didn't want to have to listen to on-the-spot odes about her best friend's lady bits. There wasn't anyone else Darcy felt especially close to, excluding the coffee guy on the corner two blocks over. That man was her savior. Somehow, she didn't think SHIELD would approve him. Ticking the 'Random' box had been a last resort and knowing SHIELD, Darcy hadn't exactly expected to get Captain 'You're-Ass-Is-Better-Than-Mine' America. Still, nothing could have prepared her for when she came home to find her apartment bedecked in furs of black, gold, and green with the God of Mischief lounging on her renovated couch.

"What the fuck did you do to my place?" shouted Darcy as she dropped her purse where the chair used to be. Loki had shrugged,

"I upgraded it from the squalor you lived in previously."

"Where's my stuff?"

"I burned it."

"WHAT?!" Darcy's scream had the downstairs neighbors pounding on the ceiling with a muffled shout to "keep it down!" but she didn't particularly care. That couch had been a thrift shop bargain, $20 off because they couldn't identify a few of the more prominent stains. Now it was some sort of leather monstrosity that Darcy expected to see at a psychiatrist's, not in her home. Then again, Loki was something she thought she'd see at a psychiatrist's before in her home. Darcy pinched the bridge of her nose,

"SHIELD sent you, didn't they."

"Indeed. I had trouble finding your…quaint hole in the wall. You should look into getting an address."

"I have an address."

"'Beside the one that smells like cats' does not count."

"You found it, didn't you?" Darcy griped. Loki scrunched up his nose,

"Unfortunately." he said. Darcy shook her head. This was what happened when you put SHIELD in charge. _Note to self: Never select 'Random' again. Ever,_ thought Darcy.

It had been a long six months since that night, but Darcy liked to think Loki had come a long way. With some persuasion, he eventually confessed that he had not, in fact, burned all her possessions, but instead dropped them on a distant planet. After stomping her feet and suitably threatening him, Loki had returned them to her, his own lavish décor disappearing. They had struck a bargain: as long as he kept the medieval to his own room, Darcy would keep making the coffee in the morning. And somehow they had reached this point: watching Wheel of Fortune and going out for dinner. Since Thor had touched down, 'normal' had an entirely different definition in her life.

"Darcy, you aren't paying attention to the puzzle. What's the answer?" asked Loki. Darcy stared at the puzzle,

"What's the category?"

"Things around the house." said Loki. The contestant had the letters _oo_ _ e d_ _ _ _. Darcy sighed,

"I have no idea. Can we go now?" she whined. Loki shook his head,

"No. The answer is 'cookie dough.'"

"It is not! In what alien definition is cookie dough 'around the house'?"

"Apparently in a Midgardian definition. Although, if you are in the room, cookie dough is less around the house and more around you."

"Hey, you like my baking. Take that back or no more fudgy brownie cookies for you." said Darcy. Loki seemed to ponder for a moment before saying,

"The statement has been struck from the record."

"Good. C'mon, let's go get food." said Darcy, smacking her hand on Loki's knee and using it to push herself up from the couch. Loki followed her up, stretching out his muscles and Darcy was able to objectively say that Loki was smokin' hot. Had a crazy streak a mile long, but still. Hot. Not that she'd tap that, though. Somehow she didn't think the sex would be worth the one-sided awkward. She was shaken from her thoughts as Loki prodded her back,

"You were determined to get food. Lead on." he said. Darcy nodded and moved out of the tiny aisle the coffee table and couch had between them. It wasn't until both were wearing their coats and on the New York streets that Loki asked,

"Where are we going?" Darcy's reply was to shrug and slide her arm though his,

"I dunno. We'll turn random corners until something smells good. That's usually how it goes." she said. Loki sighed and Darcy could tell he was barely refraining from rubbing his temples. She laughed, "You know you like me. Get over it. Besides remember that one really awesome Thai place we found?"

"You mean the one where you received food poisoning as the main entree?"

"Hey, everyone messes up now and again. Jane went the other day and said it was delicious."

"Does she enjoy the taste of bile?" asked Loki with a smirk. Darcy smacked his arm with the hand not looped through his abused arm,

"Shut up and go with it."

"Sound advice for whenever I find myself at your mercy." said Loki. Darcy smirked,

"Please. If you were at my mercy, one of us would be kneeling and tied up. And it wouldn't be me." Loki had nothing to say to that.

The pair wandered the streets of New York for almost two hours, Loki's whining and Darcy's teasing growing less and less in jest. It was almost eight o'clock before Darcy finally gave up and stopped in front of the first restaurant she saw. Loki raised his eyebrows,

"Is this the reigning gourmet champion of New York?"

"No it isn't, jackass. I passed up 'hungry' and am quickly reaching 'cannibalistic' and if I don't get food soon, you're on the menu."

"I'm sure it would be most enlightening to have your mouth all over my body."

"It's be slightly more enlightening if you got to explain to the doctor exactly how you got a stiletto shoved up your ass for that comment." said Darcy. Loki could only hum his agreement. He again regarded the establishment before them, yellow and green sign lighting up the night,

"You are sure that this is what you feel the need to subject me to?" he asked. Darcy sighed,

"Beggars can't be choosers." She pushed open the door to Denny's and Loki followed her in. There wasn't another patron in the place, save for a lump of clothing in the corner that might or might not have contained a human being. A hostess who looked like she'd given up on happiness appeared,

"Is it just the two of you today?" she asked. Darcy nodded tiredly. The hostess smacked her gum,

"Pick a table. Tara will be with you in a sec." Darcy led Loki over to a booth, sliding into one side as he slid into the other. The waitress appeared shortly, smelling vaguely of smoke,

"Hi, I'm Tara. What can I get you today?"

"A sense of purpose with a side of dubiously gotten money, hold the scandal." said Darcy, not looking up from her menu. Loki did his best to hide his smirk. The waitress slowly blinked at Darcy before saying,

"How would you like that cooked?"

"In the pits of Hell." said Darcy. The waitress nodded,

"Can I get you anything to drink?"

"Water would be great. Same for him." said Darcy. Tara nodded and walked back to the kitchen. Loki shook his head and looked over the menu,

"You are strange, even for a human."

"Thanks." said Darcy. They sat in silence, each looking over the menu before Loki sighed,

"Is there anything remotely palatable at this establishment?"

"Depends. How hungry are you?"

"Slightly."

"Then no." said Darcy. Loki sighed and closed his menu, leaning back in his booth before jumping forward when his back hit something sticky. The disgust showed in his tone,

"Order two of whatever you get." he said as he waved his hand over the booth. The dried gum and jam disappeared and he leaned back again, pleased with the improvement. Tara came back and Darcy ordered two orders of a veggie omelet with a side of bacon and two pancakes. Darcy sighed and idly stirred her water with the straw. She took a sip and set it back on the table before saying,

"So, question I probably should have asked forever ago: how did you end up with me as your roommate? I mean, you did have that thing with Manhattan and that part where you damn near levelled it. And, though you may not believe it, I don't know that I'm qualified to guard Manhattan's Most Wanted."

"I'm not sure what the qualifications would be, but I'm certain you don't possess them." said Loki. Darcy nodded,

"Funny enough, and possibly for the first time ever, I agree. Anyway, how'd we get here?"

"We turned at random corners until you were prepared to become a cannibal, although I'm not sure it would count because I am not technically human."

"Not like that, smartass. How'd you get me for a roomie? I just assumed you ticked the 'Random' box like I did."

"You didn't specifically request me for your cohabitant? I'm crushed, Darcy. Crushed."

"What, you mean like Puente Antiguo?" snarked Darcy. Loki shrugged,

"Not that crushed." he took a sip of his own water that quickly turned into chugging half the glass. Darcy waited until he was done before saying,

"So? What, harboring some sort of secret love for me? Because that could make things a bit complicated."

"Hardly." said Loki. Darcy rolled her eyes,

"Tell me!" she whined. Loki sighed and seemed to mull over the idea of revealing whatever nefarious reasons he had. Apparently Darcy was trustworthy because he replied,

"I heard that upon your first meeting with my brother, you used his own weapon against him."

"What, Mew-mew? You know I couldn't—"

"No not—'Mew-mew'? Has he heard you call it that?" asked Loki with a grin. Darcy shrugged,

"Probably. He broke enough dishes in his first few weeks here that I think he deserves to hear his phallic compensation referred to as 'Mew-mew'." she said. Loki couldn't disagree with that. He continued,

"I heard you used lightening against him. I wanted to meet the mortal girl who could wield lightening and make it do her bidding."

"Seriously? You wanted to room with me because I had a taser?" asked Darcy, eyebrows going to her hairline. It was Loki's turn to shrug,

"It was as good a reason as any."

"Fair enough." said Darcy. She eyed Loki suspiciously, "Did you even know my name?"

"No."

"How'd they know it was me?" she asked.

"I described you." said Loki. Darcy's eyes narrowed,

"It wasn't nice, was it." It was more a statement than question.

"'Buxom wench with a lightning weapon' could be taken either way."

"I've been described as worse." said Darcy with a shrug after she thought it over. Loki smiled,

"Do tell."

"Like Hell am I telling you." said Darcy with a snort. Loki was about to retort before Tara appeared with their omelets. She set them down and walked away without saying a word. Darcy stuck her tongue out her back, "Thanks for your excellent service." she muttered sarcastically. Loki said nothing but instead tucked into his meal. He took a bite of the omelet. His eyes widened. He dropped the fork. Darcy looked up, "What up? Hair in your eggs?"

"This food…it surpasses all Midgard fair I've thus far been subjected to."

"Seriously? _Denny's_ is the best food you've ever had?" asked Darcy skeptically. Loki snatched up his fork and dug back into his meal, making almost orgasmic noises as he ate. Soon, Darcy was laughing too hard to actually eat her own meal for fear of choking. It wasn't until Loki had finished the eggs, bacon, and pancakes that he noticed she was collapsed against the booth and gasping for breath, still laughing. He looked at her quizzically,

"Are you alright?"

"Ye—it's just—you—Denny's, seriously?" Darcy dissolved back into a fit of giggles. Loki was still confused,

"This meal is the best Midgard has ever presented for judgment. What is so funny?"

"Dude, it's DENNY'S! As in, home of the druggies with 2 am munchies—no wait, that's Taco Bell. Denny's is just the all-around last resort for any and all Americans."

"It just goes to prove that humans, Americans especially apparently, cannot recognize good food when it is placed directly in front of them. We must come here more often."

"Whatever, Denny's junkie. Oh God, this is so going on Twitter." Loki called Tara over and ordered another meal as Darcy was finally able to eat her first without choking on her laughter. Loki's reaction had given her a split second of hope that perhaps this would have magically improved from the nastiness Denny's usually had. She took a bite, grimaced, and spat it back out. Nope, still tasted like crap. Loki had three meals and enjoyed the next more than the last.

From then on, Loki would tell the story of how they went to Denny's. Darcy would tell the story of how they ended up at Denny's.

**A/N: I'm going to write more for this verse, but I don't know how chronologically everything will follow. If you have anywhere you think they need to go, just let me know. I already have a McDonald's one written, which should be up soon. Hope you enjoyed!**


	2. McDonald's

It was Friday night and Darcy was spending it at home. In pajamas. With ice cream. Watching 'The Notebook'. She could officially say her life had reached a new all-time low as far as a social life went. Darcy's couldn't bring herself to particularly care. Loki was locked in bedroom doing something she really didn't want to know about (judging by the occasional sounds coming through the wall, she _really_ didn't want to know). Darcy was about ready to punch something when the credits on 'The Notebook' had rolled and Loki came out of his room looking as unruffled as ever, sat down on the couch, and stated,

"I'm hungry."

"Great. Make me something too." said Darcy as she got up, pulling out the DVD and putting in 'JAWS'. Loki rolled his eyes before an idea occurred,

"You mentioned Taco Bell last night. Is that like Denny's?"

"Not really. Same crappy quality, just Mexican food."

"The quality of Denny's sustenance was superior to all! There was nothing remotely 'crappy' about it!" said Loki vehemently. Darcy held her hands up in surrender as she returned to her spot on the couch,

"Whatever dude. No, we can't go to Taco Bell. The food poisoning isn't worth it."

"But what about that Thai—"

"Different story. That's a local mom-and-pop place. Taco Bell is a chain of salmonella restaurants with the occasional E. Coli breakout."

"Fine." he said, crossing his arms and sinking into the couch. Darcy laughed,

"Are you _pouting_ because I won't take you to Taco Bell?"

"No." said Loki petulantly. Darcy laughed,

"Dude you're so pouting."

"Am not!"

"Are too." said Darcy in a sing-song voice.

"Am not!"

"Oh yes you are." said Darcy. She sighed and stood up, "Fine. We aren't going to Taco Bell, but we can hit McDonald's. I think they still have eggnog shakes."

"What's eggnog?" asked Loki, disappearing from the couch and reappearing by the door, coat and shoes on. Darcy shook her head,

"A combination of deliciousness only available in the winter holiday season. Dude, if you haven't had eggnog, we're so going and you're trying some. That and a Big Mac."

"What's a Big Mac?"

"A burger." said Darcy as she pulled her coat on and wrapped a scarf around her neck. Loki asked,

"What's on the burger?"

"Twoall-beefpattiesspecialsaucelettucecheesepicklesonionsonasesame-seedbun." Darcy grinned. Loki just looked confused, cocking his head ever so slightly to the side. Darcy said very slowly, "Two all-beef patties. Special sauce. Lettuce. Cheese. Pickles. Onions. On a sesame-seed bun. Dude, let's just take a moment of pride to celebrate that I actually remembered that."

"Sounds…interesting." he said. Darcy laughed,

"You'll like it. Trust me." She walked out the door. Loki was hot on her trail, saying,

"The last time I trusted you, we almost ended up in Canada."

"No, the last time you trusted me we went to Denny's." she said smugly. Loki's eyes glazed over and Darcy snapped her fingers in his face, "Focus, man. You can't properly appreciate McDonald's if you're fixating on Denny's. You have to get over one girlfriend before going to the next. No rebounds."

"I can't properly appreciate McDonald's until we get there." said Loki pointedly. Darcy rolled her eyes,

"Yeah yeah yeah. Just follow me. It's just on the corner." They were at McDonald's in less than three minutes. Darcy walked up to the counter and tapped her foot until the pimple-faced boy running the till turned around from arguing with his coworker. His eyes zeroed in on Darcy's breasts and he didn't stop staring as he said,

"What can I get you?"

"Someone who has enough to sense to not openly ogle customers." said Darcy, her lips pressed together in a thin line. The boy flushed,

"Sorry."

"Don't let it happen again. Two eggnog shakes, a Big Mac meal, and a Double Quarter-Pounder with Cheese meal."

"That it for you?" he asked, punching it in.

"Yep." said Darcy, handing over a twenty-dollar bill. The worker rang it up and gave her the change,

"That'll be out shortly."

"Great." Darcy turned around and pretended to not know the boy was now staring at her ass. When Darcy stood beside Loki, she noticed the god looked less than pleased. In fact, he was glaring at the boy at the till. Darcy rolled her eyes,

"Down, boy. It's the prerogative of every teenage boy to stare at as many boobs as possible. It's also the prerogative of every grown-ass woman to stop them. It's pretty much a hobby for boys. Like manly scrapbooking. Besides, I handled it." Her words did nothing to appease Loki,

"Boys ogle. Men seduce. The whelp is too young to do either."

"No argument from me there." said Darcy. She leaned against the counter and sighed. Ogling was something she'd dealt with since ninth grade and Tommy had decided that he had to announce to the school that 'Darcy Lewis has the best knockers and I got to touch them!' He hadn't gotten to touch them after that. Until now, Steve Rogers was the only straight man she knew who hadn't openly stared at her. Of course, with the way he looked at Stark sometimes, that straightness was debatable. Darcy smiled,

"Next time we go out, we should bring Steve. See what he thinks of all this." she said to Loki. Loki smirked,

"I think the good captain would die of embarrassment if he ever saw someone so openly stare. Besides, I do not enjoy his company. He cannot come."

"I meant what he thinks of the food, but whatever. And why not? What, afraid he'll try to steal your girl?" asked Darcy, elbowing his ribs. Loki snorted derisively at the thought,

"As if he could ever steal any woman from me."

"Loki, are you saying I'm your woman?" asked Darcy, putting a hand to her chest in mock-surprise, "Golly, I'll have to call my mother and tell her I got myself a _man_!" she said. Loki shook his head,

"Quit your acting, insufferable woman. I could never own you." he said. Darcy nodded,

"Damn straight."

"I prefer my pets much more submissive. And in chains." he continued with a smirk. Darcy shook her head,

"You kinky little shit!" she said, elbowing him again. Just then, the McDonald's employee brought out the food and set it on the tray. Darcy stepped forward, grabbed their tray, and led Loki to a table. She failed to see the death glare Loki levelled at the boy, who slunk into the back of the kitchen. Darcy picked a table and sat down, Loki sitting across from her. They quickly divvied up the food and Darcy grabbed her shake, patiently pulling the frothy drink through the straw. The moment it touched her tongue, she moaned and had to let go of the straw. The shake left a droplet on her lip,

"Oh sweet baby Jesus, it's even better than I remembered." she said with a gasp. Loki smirked,

"I'm not sure how much this Jesus has to do with anything." His brow furrowed and he wiped at his own lip. Darcy looked up,

"Do I have something on me?" She grabbed a napkin and somehow managed to wipe everywhere except the smear of shake on her lip. Loki sighed and reached out with his thumb, slowly swiping it across her bottom lip and removing the shake droplet. Darcy could only stare at him as his thumb pulled just a bit before leaving her lip. He wiped it on his own tongue and hummed his approval at the taste,

"This is indeed delicious. What is this called again?"

"Um…eggnog." said Darcy, pulling a few of her fries from their container. Loki cautiously picked at his own fries,

"These are…French fries?" he asked skeptically. Darcy nodded, munching away. Loki picked up a fry and slowly turned it in his hand,

"What is it that makes them French?" he asked as he completed his examination. Darcy shrugged and said through a mouthful of fries,

"Hell if I know. Just eat it." Loki hesitantly put the fry in his mouth. The second the salt touched his lips, he closed his eyes and let out a soft noise. He swallowed and said,

"Sweet Valhalla, that's delicious." Darcy chuckled,

"I know, right?" Loki put a handful of fries in his mouth, chewing happily. He picked up another handful, but one fell straight into his shake, just the tip stuck in the thick drink. He stared at it for a moment before slowly putting the other fries down. He reached in and plucked up the shake-dipped fry and slowly put it in his mouth. Darcy watched, a grin spreading over her face. This was some YouTube gold right here. For the rest of the meal, all of Loki's fries ended up in his shake. Soon the fries were gone and he was left with most of a shake and a huge Big Mac. Darcy had long since finished eating and was just watching and laughing now. Loki looked down at the burger, slightly less apprehensive than he had been with the fries. Darcy sighed,

"You picked it up with two hands and put it in your mouth. It's not that complicated."

"There is no part of this that is recognizable as food."

"That's because in a 'best tasting worst-for-you food' competition between America and Asgard, America wins. I promise that at least 75% of this is recognizable as food."

"Seventy-five percent? That's…worrying."

"Alright, lemme break it down for you," Darcy lifted the top bun off the burger. She pointed to each layer as she discussed it, "See that? That's a burger patty. There's two of them. They're beef. They come from cows. Cows are edible, after a fashion. Got it?"

"Got it." said Loki, his face serious. Darcy worked very hard to not grin,

"Good. This thing on top is a bun. It's bread. There's bun on the bottom and bun in the middle, because bread and meat is pretty much the basics of a burger. Then there's the "special sauce"," Darcy used her fingers for quotation marks, "which is basically 1000 Island Dressing, but it's good so we roll with it. Lettuce, vegetable. Cheese, dairy. Pickles, vegetable. Onions, vegetable. I'm assuming you have those."

"We do."

"Awesome. See? It's actually recognizable as food! We good?"

"Yes." said Loki after some hesitation. Darcy put the top bun back on the sandwich and handed it Loki,

"Now eat and enjoy as a new world of food is opened up to you." said Darcy, spreading her arms and leaning back in her chair. Loki took a nibble of a bite, which was slightly disappointing, but his reaction made up for it. The next bite was half the burger. Darcy laughed, "I told you it was good!" Loki made a vague noise of agreement. Darcy whipped out her phone, "Smile!" Loki tried to glare at the camera, he really did, but the McDonald's was too good. Darcy laughed at the picture, "That's officially becoming my new background." Loki shook his head at this mortal woman. He still had his reservations about humans, but this one…this one was good. A little strange, but good.


End file.
